And suddenly I changed

And suddenly I changed. 

My brain has always been flooded 

With thoughts, emotions, fears, plans, and it still is. 

But how drastically those thoughts rebranded 

At the sight of two pink lines. 

I used to be consumed by the plans for that weekend

How fast my summer weekends would book up with weddings and out-of-town trips

If I would finally form the habit of a ‘Sunday reset’. 

I used to plan what my workout would look like when I made it to the gym

Debate what cute new toys I could find for my cats

Wondered how the heck anyone balanced work, family, friends, fitness, self-care, and everything else that life throws at them. 

And suddenly I changed. 

Surreal. 

Impossible.

Exciting.

Unexpected. 

Scary. 

Elated. 

Holy shit. 

In an instant, all the different tabs open in my brain shut down.

Closed and rebooted to one single tab: 

Motherhood. 

Everything I thought I knew and had planned was out of sight 

And a new lens was added to the picture. 

How can love and doubt simultaneously flood your body with one trip to the bathroom? 

How can someone feel empty and yet be filled with more life than they ever had before this moment? 

And suddenly I changed. 

Daily thoughts went from what they were

To now being pretanals, maternity clothes, registries, and what’s a birth plan? 

To now being daycares, pediatricians, and something about deli meat and caffeine? 

I was (and still am) learning how to experience the grief and loss of my old self

And the appreciation and gratitude for my new self

And the anxiousness and uncertainty of the person I will soon become. 

All of the “just wait until…” remarks have begun.

I don’t foresee them ending

But nobody will live in my mind every moment of this journey like I will. 

If there is one thought I have adapted and now own, it is this: 

I am still me. 

I am evolving and growing - no pun intended. 

I am allowed to feel every facet of every emotion. 

A year ago, my anxiety wouldn’t have allowed me to coexist

With every emotion and moment and change 

That those two pink lines equated to. 

A year ago, I couldn’t have said “Wow, I am and will be a damn good mother.”

But suddenly, I changed.